I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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