I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
