Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
