Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize