life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
