Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
