She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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