Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
50% drunk capacity currently
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize