woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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