You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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