just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
