Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
