apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
PANTIES FOUND
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
