Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
