Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Drunk is not a location!
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