i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
