I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
