Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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