Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
