My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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