I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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