I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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