New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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