I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
