I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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