at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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