If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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