Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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