My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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