I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
