Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
