if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
