omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
