Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize