I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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