Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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