Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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