I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
