I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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