dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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