just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
