"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
