he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
It's rum buckets o'clock
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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