I'm sorry my penis didn't work
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize