Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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