Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
