I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
