Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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