Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
