Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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