I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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