We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Randomize
