I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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