We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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