either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
