she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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