Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
