Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
