Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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